as of recently

i have been home and it has been so nice.
except now im not home anymore. im in Carborro, Nc for 2 days.
it is so nice here. i want to live here now. really badly.

i have simply been enjoying peoples company as of recently and it feels right.

it feels like something i always want. Just sitting and talking and listening.

i love the people i love and the people who love me.

i have a crazy brain i realized but its ok. i like it that way.

i just slept the latest i have slept since i have been home. I had been having problems sleeping and waking up eveery 3 hours etc. last night i slept in my car outside a bakery and just slept till 1130am. it feels great. best sleep ve had since ive been home.

im being taught so much. its an overload. im learning and trying to be patient and wise. im learning to trust and to live and not worry.

these are things i will always struggle with but as of recently learning to trust is so hard. i want to control and make everything right. thats not what happens and thats not reality. i have to accept that.

i want people to see what i see and how it makes sense. but they dont. they might never. some might. others might just want to throw up. i dont know.

im getting better and better at living alone. i dont know what this means but i just know that when im completely by myself nothing bothers me. nothing. i dont think about clothes or showers or food or friends or what to do. i just sit and watch and think. i think i need to travel by myself for a year.

the whole world for a year and go where i go. let the Lord lead me.

thats what i will do.

"its time to march. let us sing and let us dance, let us throw our hands in the air and rejoice. is this not what we thought? is this not why we smile? is this not why we live? lets dance, lets sing, lets rejoice."